


Bittersweet Love

by Rhianona



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-16
Updated: 2009-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 12:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhianona/pseuds/Rhianona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaan has long known Teyla belongs to Atlantis. It doesn't mean he can stop loving her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet Love

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: [Insert Witty Comment Here] SGA doesn't belong to me
> 
> Written for sticksnstrings, using the song Sail Away Sweet Sister, by Queen

_Hey little babe you're changing  
Babe, are you feeling sore?   
Ain't no use in pretending  
You don't wanna play no more_

Kanaan watches as Teyla sits and laughs with Ronon and Colonel Sheppard. The sunset streams light through the stained glass windows, painting the interior of the mess hall and the people within, with faint hints of colors. Torren shifts in his arms, reminding him of why he has ventured here. Teyla looks happy, and content. "Let us go see Mommy," he whispers to his son, refusing to let his own unease at living on Atlantis and among the 'Lanteans prevent him from spending time with his… with Teyla.

"Kanaan!" Teyla calls out, as he comes closer to the table at which she sits. Ronon and Colonel Sheppard look up and smile in greeting. Kanaan thinks he is the only one that sees the slightly strained edge to the Colonel. He has never indicated that Kanaan is not welcome, and has, at least tacitly accepted his presence, but Kanaan can sense that the Colonel would rather he is not here. He suspects his attitude has more to do with Teyla, than a personal dislike of Kanaan.

"Teyla," he greets gracefully, leaning down to her touch. "Colonel, Ronon," he says, after he straightens.

"Hey," Ronon replies, leaning back in his chair.

The Colonel merely nods his head in greeting. Kanaan watches as he turns his attention back to his tray of food.

"John was just saying that we will have some downtime soon," Teyla informs him, as he sits himself down. She takes Torren from his arms, leaving Kanaan feeling a bit bereft. Among the Athosians, childcare is a shared task by both parents and the extended family. He is not certain what the norm is for the 'Lanteans, but from what little he can gather, most expect Teyla to be the primary caregiver.

"Will you have leave in time for the harvest festival?" he inquires politely. "All of you would be welcome," he adds, including Ronon and the Colonel in his invitation.

"I'm sure Woolsey will accommodate," the Colonel drawls.

The conversation dwindles in a desultory manner after that; Kanaan cannot help but feel he is to blame. The 'Lanteans accept him because of Teyla. She has lived among them for five years now; he, only for a few months. While he remains on Atlantis, caring for Torren or occasionally working with the anthropologists, all of whom wish to know about Athosian culture, Teyla goes through the Ring of the Ancestors with her team. From comments he overhears, he knows this is not expected by the 'Lanteans.

Teyla gently rocks Torren in her arms, her attention on their son. Kanaan smiles softly. Whatever else he might think, he knows that she adores their child. He just does not know for how much longer there is room for him in her life.

_It's plain that you ain't no baby  
What would your mother say  
You're all dressed up like a lady  
How come you behave this way_

Even as a child, Teyla shines with a light that draws people to her. As leader of the Athosians, she brokers many favorable trades with other peoples. After meeting the 'Lanteans, she does not cease in her duties. Of course, some of the Athosians resent that she works more for the comfort of the expedition members than her own people. Despite that, she continues to guide them, helping them find security and safety in Pegasus - or at least as much as that is possible. The Athosians can go elsewhere, can leave Lantea and resettle on another planet, but Teyla makes it clear that she will not abandon the expedition. Not when they offer so much to her people, in the forms of medicines and security. None of the Athosians will deny that the best opportunity Pegasus has to beat the Wraith lies with these strangers. It does not mean that they have to like it.

And then, the 'Lanteans leave. Forced to return to their home galaxy after the Ancestors reclaim Atlantis, and the Athosians have to find a new home. Kanaan uses the opportunity to begin his courtship of Teyla. He thinks he is finally making progress when the expedition returns, saving the City of the Ancestors from the Replicators. Teyla leaps at the chance to rejoin her team, leaving New Athos with scarcely a backwards glance. Kanaan buries his hurt and pretends it does not bother him that she left without a word. He tells himself that they have not made any promises, that she is free to do as she wishes.

It only helps a little.

But then, two weeks later, Teyla returns. She seeks him out, tells him of her activities since she left. His heart lifts a bit, happy she has chosen to share this part of her life with him, when she has never done so before.

_Forgive me for what I told you  
My heart makes a fool of me  
You know I'll never hold you  
I know that you gotta be free_

Torren reminds Kanaan of his humanity after Michael takes it from him. For that alone, he would love his son. He is grateful that Teyla does not abandon him, just as he is indebted to the 'Lanteans for refusing to give up on finding Teyla after Michael kidnaps her. He knows that they rescue the Athosians only because they are looking for her, not them. It does not matter; he just appreciates that they are free from Michael - and that they reverse whatever Michael did to them.

After he is once again human, and after the new expedition leader speaks with him (interrogates him), Kanaan moves onto Atlantis and into Teyla's rooms. She introduces him to her team - properly this time - and they make an effort (for her sake) to socialize with him. Except, AR-1 consists, in part, of the City's head scientist and head military officer, both of whom are busy with the day-to-day running of Atlantis. Doctor McKay barely makes an effort, but Ronon and Teyla both explain his attitude has little to do with Kanaan himself, but rather, his impatience with most people because they take him away from his work. Kanaan observes him, and he sees they are right; Doctor McKay is dismissive of everyone - except when he needs them.

It is only with Colonel Sheppard that Kanaan does not know where he stands. The Colonel is polite enough, but he looks at Teyla and Torren with unfathomable eyes that seem to speak of some deeper emotion he will not admit to. Teyla does not appear to notice, and for that Kanaan is grateful. He does not know what he would do, if she does realize the Colonel's feelings for her.

Kanaan has long known of Teyla's feelings for her team leader. It is the primary reason he waits to court her, holding off until she has given up on hoping the Colonel will act on feelings he will not admit to. Kanaan loves Teyla, and wants her to be happy. She assures him he does.

He wishes he believes her. She never sees how her face never lights up with that special smile as it does for when the Colonel speaks with her, or holds Torren.

 

_ Hot child don't you know, you're young -  
You've got your whole life ahead of you  
Oohah - you can throw it away too soon  
Way too soon _

Hating Colonel Sheppard for the feelings he harbors for Teyla, and the affection for him she has hidden in her heart would be the easy path… except that Kanaan cannot. Colonel Sheppard remains protective of Teyla - too protective, if the frustrated conversations Kanaan has with Teyla indicates anything.

"Just because I have a child, does not mean I cannot fight!" she growls out in frustration. Kanaan pours her a mug of tea.

"No, it does not. But," he pauses, wondering how to express his own thoughts on her activities on AR-1, "you are now a mother. Colonel Sheppard must feel responsible for you, and Torren. Surely he does not want Torren to grow up without his mother."

"Other mothers in Pegasus do not have that safety," she argues. "How can I remain here on Atlantis, when I know I can help?"

Kanaan does not have an answer for that. He wishes he could comfort her, but knows he has no place in this battle. It is between Teyla and the Colonel. Knowing her as he does, he suspects the Colonel will bow to her wishes before long.

He only feels a little bitter when his prediction holds true.

 

_Sail away sweet sister  
Sail across the sea  
Maybe you find somebody  
Who loves you half as much as me  
Take it the way you want it  
But when they let you down my friend  
Sail away sweet sister  
Back to my arms again_

Teyla links her future to Atlantis. Kanaan knows this, _has_ known this for many years. He watches their son, while she goes through the Ring and fights the Wraith, and Michael, and whoever else threatens the 'Lanteans. Sometimes he feels that he does not even recognize her anymore, that she has become more 'Lantean than not. He knows he is slowly losing her to them, that she is slowly losing her connections to her fellow Athosians. He wishes he could freeze time, and return to the way it used to be, but he cannot.

She will not give up her dream of a Wraith-free Pegasus; she will not give up the friendship and love she shares with her teammates. And no matter how much Kanaan tries, he cannot compete with the bonds forged in ways he cannot understand.

Instead, he resolves to stand by her side until he no longer has a place. He wishes he could blame the 'Lanteans, or AR-1, or Colonel Sheppard, or even Teyla, but he cannot. No one holds the blame. This is life, and it is not easy. But until it is time for him to move onto the next step on the path of life, he will grasp every moment he has with Teyla and Torren that he can.

_/fin_


End file.
